Skip to content How did I get here?
Well… let’s just rewind a little, shall we?
I think this all started about a year ago, when my life started to feel out of my control. I was living alone. I was trying to pass my exams. I was drowning in online hate. I stopped watching videos altogether after things went bad with my best friend. School, stress, loneliness, repeat.
I wanted to take a year off. I didn’t. And when the school year began again, the only way I thought I could make friends was through bars, drinking, partying. So I kept going. And going. But truthfully? I was lost.
Instead of facing my emotions, I ran from them.
Instead of crying, I ate ice cream.
Instead of journaling, I grabbed snacks.
Instead of dealing, I numbed.
Days turned into weeks. Weeks into months. Soon it wasn’t just “a bad phase” — it was my routine. My identity.
This wasn’t my body anymore. And it wasn’t the life I wanted to live.
I hated looking in the mirror. I couldn’t get into my leggings. I went to bed stuffed and uncomfortable, and I woke up the same way. I hated my degree during the week, and I was too hungover to even face my sadness on the weekends.
I felt like I wasn’t good enough anywhere. Not at school. Not online. Not in my body. Not in my own head.
At some point, you have to ask yourself: If I don’t change, where will I be in three months? Six months? Will I even like myself anymore?
That’s when I knew — it was time to change.
The First Breath After a Long Year
It wasn’t some magical transformation in one month. We all know life doesn’t work like that.
But in that first month, for the first time in a year, I felt like I could breathe again.
And here’s something I need to clarify — I wasn’t unhappy because of my body. I was unhappy because of the way I was living. The weight gain and lack of confidence were symptoms, not the disease. My body was trying to call me out, and I ignored it for far too long.
If I was going to change, it wasn’t going to be about blaming my body. It was about finally taking responsibility for my choices, my habits, my mindsets, and my pain. I was the root. And that meant I also had to be the solution.
The Wake-Up Calls
The signs were everywhere.
- My jeans physically suffocating me when I sat down.
- Rings not fitting on my fingers.
- My swollen face in photos shocking me every single time.
But honestly? The hardest part wasn’t the physical.
It was being tired all the time. Angry for no reason. Sad for no reason. Insecure every single day.
The first time I really noticed how bad it had gotten was on a trip to London to see a friend. For the first time in forever, I actually felt alive. Which is when I realized — I hadn’t been living at all.
Sometimes it takes being happy for a moment to realize how unhappy you’ve been for years.
The Turning Point
At my lowest, I convinced myself: This is just my new body. I need to learn to love it.
But deep down, I knew better. It wasn’t about my body. It was about how I was treating my body.
I didn’t want to keep hiding from mirrors. I didn’t want to keep mistreating myself. I didn’t want to keep apologizing for existing.
I needed a game plan.
I needed new habits.
I needed a complete rewiring.
So one day, I just started. No big speech. No big announcement. Just me deciding: enough.
Food, Feelings & Finding Balance
Food was the scariest part to talk about, but also the most important.
See, I love food. Always have. Always will. But somewhere along the way, eating stopped being about joy or nourishment. It became my escape. My distraction. My drug.
I wasn’t eating because I was hungry. I was eating because I was sad. Or lonely. Or anxious. Or angry. Or bored. Or — honestly — because it was the easiest way to not feel anything at all.
And that wasn’t health. That wasn’t freedom. That was another form of self-punishment.
I had been here before. Tried the extremes — cut out my favorite foods, obsessed over calories, failed miserably, and hated myself even more.
So this time, I tried something different. Small steps. Slow changes. Realistic choices.
- I added color to my meals — greens, oranges, fruits, textures, flavors.
- I focused on balance — protein, carbs, fat, fiber — instead of restriction.
- I made cooking fun again — experimenting with simple recipes that made me actually excited to eat.
- I gave myself permission — pancakes, pizza, nights out — without guilt, but with balance.
I started listening to my body instead of fighting it.
Movement That Feels Like Me
For so long, exercise was “all or nothing.” If I couldn’t do an hour at the gym, why bother?
That mindset almost ruined fitness for me.
But when I stripped it back, I realized — movement is movement. Period.
- A ten-minute walk.
- A few squats in my bedroom.
- Dancing horribly in my kitchen.
- Stretching before bed.
They all counted. They all made me feel human again.
And once I stopped obsessing about the “perfect workout,” I actually started enjoying movement. Building strength slowly. Celebrating little wins. Finding confidence in my own skin again.
Redefining Self-Care
Self-care isn’t just bubble baths and candles. Sometimes it’s boundaries. Sometimes it’s saying no. Sometimes it’s getting 7–8 hours of sleep instead of scrolling until 3 a.m.
The truth? I used to wear burnout like a badge of honor. No sleep, more stress, more work — I thought that meant I had value.
But it didn’t. It just made me bitter, exhausted, and empty.
Now, self-care looks different:
- No caffeine after 2 p.m.
- Phone out of the bedroom at night.
- Writing down a few thoughts each day, even if it’s just “Today sucked, but coffee was good.”
- Allowing myself to cancel plans if my body and mind say no.
And slowly, I began to feel like me again.
The Truth About Change
Here’s the part no one tells you: change is slow. Really slow.
It’s frustrating when you try so hard and don’t see results right away. But the truth is, lasting change only happens gradually.
What helped me was shifting the way I measured progress.
Not by before-and-after photos. Not by numbers on a scale. But by:
- Energy levels.
- How easy workouts felt.
- How often I showed up for myself.
- How kindly I spoke to myself.
- How much water I drank.
- How many times I laughed that week.
Change doesn’t happen overnight. But it does happen — one decision, one habit, one moment at a time.
Who I’m Becoming
I’m not “healed.” I’m not living some perfect life. I don’t even want that.
But I know this: I don’t want my old body, my old habits, my old sadness.
When I imagine the person I want to be, I don’t picture a number on a scale. I picture someone who is happy. Whole. Forgiving. Confident. Resilient.
And here’s the wild part — that person isn’t some far-off future version of me. She’s already here.
I just have to keep living like her.
Small Lifestyle Changes That Made the Biggest Difference
| Habit | Old Me | New Me | Impact |
|---|---|---|---|
| Water intake 💧 | 1 glass a day | 2–3 liters daily | Better skin & focus |
| Sleep 😴 | 4–5 hours | 7–8 hours | More energy, less anxiety |
| Movement 🏃 | Rarely exercised | 30 mins daily | Stronger body & mind |
| Food 🍎 | Fast food daily | Home-cooked 4x a week | Better digestion |
| Social Media 📱 | 6+ hours | 2 hours max | More time for real life |
